The World According To Cortney Gee

in response to Tiger's Apology

2009-12-02T23:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods,

I'm writing you this letter in response to your half- heart , arrogant apology to your wife and also for the one you didn't say to all the men that will suffer from the fallout of your bad judgment bruh!!

Tiger I'm appreciative for what you have done to inspire young black kids to get into the game of golf but I'm disturbed by the message you are putting out to those same kids when it concerns being a husband . Now of course you have a right to do what you want to, but if you are to be celebrated by the public man you gotta take responsibility and be spanked by the same public that has made you. The apology to your wife was self serving and you had the nerve to chastise the very same media that has made you That Guy ya dig .

Now of course you don't know me and if you did you would probably be saying who is Cortney Gee to be talking about being faithful.

If my former self was writing this your argument would make sense but since I've been reborn and turned in my playa express credit card I'm upset with you cause now I can't go a day without discussing infidelity in my own damn home ... thanks Tiger of course i write that sarcastically. It's obvious you're concentrating on your swing and not your game .... dude if you are going to be a scumbag do so in the darkest of dark ..... as you can see all that you do comes into light anyway right ?
Who coached you in deciet ? Obviously the laws weren't properly given to you...
Tiger you have money and fame you don't go have relationships blood .... you want to mess around you have to pay for privacy and discretion . That's right you have to be a trick . Not that I'm saying that's a good thing but that's all you got to be if you don't want scrutiny dude.
Rule #1 don't send text or voice messages ...
before it was don't give out your home number , that evolved into home nor cell # that grew into home & cell # and email addy. Now there isn't space to be on myspace nor friendly on facebook ... dude when you get married you gotta look at it as what it is ... this is the last relationship you are going to have unless you are contemplating divorce. Being a Billion Dollar Man I hope you aren't trying to give up half of all those earning s to your once upon a time baby sitter blonde bombshell of a wife. So the best advice I can give you is get right get right get right !!! Ok let's say that you don't want to take my advice and keep doing bad . Here's some more advice

Rule #2 No more taking pics on beaches or on golf courses with conquest ... WTF ? I mean did you really trust that none of those too intimate for other eyes to see flix to never come up. Tiger when you are cheating you don''t let people pull out iPhones and say I want to make record of this moment...
ok I loathe to keep saying this man but with being that trick that I said you have to be you don't have to worry about pictures ... HOES don't like to be photographed they liked to be paid .

Rule #3 if you are going to mess around Fuck Up and Not Down ... nothing will piss your lady off even if she was once a nanny than getting caught banging nightclub waitresses .... maybe you can hit on that hot asian golfer chick.

Rule # 4 Pick better friends
Who's your caddy ? That cat is supposed to do more than carry clubs man .... As much loot as he has made with you he should have taken the heat .... You need a friend like AC Cowlings !!!

Well I guess I'll close this letter to you but before I do I want to wish you luck in your marriage do know that getting that shit back on track is going to be harder than sinking a hole in one on a par 5 .

PS Thank GOD you aren't married to a sista .... cause if she would have caught you those golf clubs that smashed out your window would have bashed in yo head son !!!

in the spirit of thanksgiving

2009-11-26T01:14:00.002-05:00

Over the years I have had some great relationships that have gone sour .. sometimes because of my own stupidity .

Other times it was because the relationship was for the season and it was just time to move on.

But I'm thankful for each one of the for the lessons learned and the gifts that they bared ya dig ...

I'm not big on celebrating Thanksgiving Day because to just be thankful on one day would be disrespectful to all the things to be thankful for each day .... plus Thanksgiving is really like the celebration of the beginning of the end for native americans...

i got drunk off my ass

2009-11-25T03:14:00.005-05:00

And believe it or not I had a great birthday and a an incredible designated driver in my wife .... we made it home safely and I can tell the tale of what the fugg happen...

Was a boss show ... the birthday cake was incredible and i ripped the crowd with a few new jokes ... was a great birthday now if Ic an just drag my drunk ass to bed I might get some you a year older nookie .. PEACE!!!

if i could go back and talk to my self at 24 @ age 42

2009-11-24T00:16:00.002-05:00

it's been quite awhile since I wrote anything on the blog .... I wish I had a better excuse other than the truth. The truth is I just haven't been moved to blog . As a matter of fact I haven't wanted to write more than a tweet or a facebook post.
Today marked my forty second year on this blue planet and I thought what if I could go back and talk to that twenty four year old that still was filled with dreams . What would I tell him ?
From all the ranting and raving I've done over the years about having kids and paying chil support one would think I would tell myself to have invested in more condoms...
That would be so wrong.... you see 1992 when I was 24 I was a new father . Miles was born and my life took flight. Now sometimes I was grounded because of my bad decisions on how to treat my children's mom . So my advice to my former self would ti have been to be more compassiponate and less self indulgent . Wow do I read maturity in these words of advice. You damn right. You shouldn't be on this planet for four decades and not grow .
I would have told 24 year old Cortney to not look for fame and fortune overnight but to groom myself for the long haul my career had taken me on.
I question you what would you tell your 24 year self ?

if the ghost of girlfriends pst came back to haunt me ....

2009-10-04T12:02:00.002-04:00

Before I became a happily married man and said I do .. I had done enough to be tired of not being alone ya dig! Over the years I had my fair share of fun. I was watching the previews to this movie The Ghost of Girlfriends Past and thought if the crypt of my ex girlfriend graveyard was opened and the spirits were allowed to come visit me to have closure what journey I might be taken on.....

When I was 14 I was never this way ... I promise you

2009-10-03T01:14:00.004-04:00

The World According to Me has nothing on the Universe that my 14 year old step son inhabits... trust !!!

Of course you can't expect them to be adult and make grown decisions but when a over 6 foot teenager continues to make immature irrational choices you can't help but shake your head .

My blood pressure has never been so high in my life until T entered into my world.

Last week I was downstairs and saw a used condom on the floor ... my former bachelor self panicked thinking what in the hell was going on. Then right after that moment of shock and disbelief I remembered I was married and basking in LORD ordained lust with my wife ( meaning I didn't use condoms ) and after even more investigation I realized this condom wasn't even my size ... " no I didn't pick it up nor tried it on " sickos !!!

I just did what any good man about to be framed by his not so evil stepson would do ... with pencil in hand I lifted the evidence and examined it with a very interested eye ya dig .

Men like to brag about size and I'm not about to do that but this one would have been a snug fit that's all I'm saying ...

After showing him all the evidence and coming up with my own deduction he finally admitted his guilt ... then I had to tell him how messed up it was to put me under the bus ... now the punishment phase hmmmmmmm

Miles is one year from being grown

2009-10-03T01:33:00.003-04:00

well maybe not Grown .. but off the child support books and just in my pockets while he finds his way. That's right the kid that was my first born turns 17 on Oct 6th ..WOW

For all the parents that have been trying to hold on to being hip and young you know what I mean by saying this is a wake up call to my being a real adult ... my baby ain't a baby no more

Facebook has made it where Blogging is too much...

2009-10-03T01:25:00.002-04:00

The world is always about the quick fix .. I believe that soon Tweeting will be too much . Truth is we like our food super sized but our information minute and to the damn point . Not Saying that I'm about to shut the blog down ...
Truth be told I like sititng in front of this computer and allowing all the things that come to mind pour out ya dig !
So for those that take the time to check in and see just what I'm up to fear not there will be verbage from me until the air in my body ceases or this MacBook Pro works no more ...
Have a great day ....

there's no way the daddy is smiling

2009-09-24T23:39:00.003-04:00

An Indonesian woman has given birth to an 8.7-kilogramme (19.2-pound) baby boy, the heaviest newborn ever recorded in the country, a doctor said. The baby boy is pictured here next to a baby of average size at a hospital in Medan, North Sumatra

Ladies I know this ginormous bundle of joy would be the apple of your eye but believe me if you have a 19 pound baby naturally you can call your relationship a wrap.. unless your man is Lexington Steele or your doctor does plastic surgery and does a stitch job for the ages ya dig.

the definition of dumbshit !!!

2009-09-24T23:06:00.002-04:00

If you were about to be wed and you saw Kanye walk in da building would you
A. Go about your business and try to get through the ceremony without interruption
or
B. Smack the shhhh outta him before he does some dumb stuff

Me I would havee to wrestle little little rascal right the hell up out of the spot ya dig ..... I'm still feeling bad for Po Lil Taylor Swift ... Kanye's behavior was so bad I think there should be a national movement to replace the word NIGGER with Kanye in all dictionaries .... if not all dictionaries it Kanye should be in Thersarus as a synonym .

you know like

If that kanye don't give me that money he owe me I'm gonna whup his ass .
or better yet
Kanye's be messing up stuff for regualr black people soon as the club open Kanye's come in and shoot the place up.

What ya'll think ?

The Monkees meet Charlene

2009-09-22T00:40:00.003-04:00

I was very happy when my children met my wife .. they have been subjected to way too many girlfriends in my past.

When they took a super hero picture with Charlene I knew she had been considered a super friend ....

now if we can just get The Monkees and my Arch Enemy Lex Luthor ( Terrell) to get along next summer will be great when they are all under one roof !!!

Sometimes I get nervous ....

2009-09-14T01:00:00.004-04:00

when I walk in to the room and my lovely bride is sippin a martini and watching the Oxygen Channel ..... especially since she is a good Christian and her favorite show is Snapped . Now don't get me wrong I'm not questioning her having a taste of vodka every once and a while but when you are typsy and watching a show about mad women who went to far .. what the hell are you saying ya dig ?

Well I'm off to bed ...wondering if behind that beautiful smile and bright eyes lies the heart and mind of a killer .... hmmmmmmm

sleeping with one eye open!!!

Sept 11th I'm dropping the bomb

2009-09-11T02:36:00.003-04:00

like the Taliban I'm wrecking shhhhhhhhhhhhhh Sept 11th make sure to set your dvr to Martin Lawrence Presents 1st Amendment Stand Up .... yours truly that would be me will be appearing

Diagnosis

2009-09-12T21:39:00.002-04:00

I've come to believe that this labeling teenagers as having ADD or ADH is just really sugar coating the fact your kid is an asshole that doesn't want to remember shit . I recall being a teenager that wished someone would have diagnosed me with such a condition so that my overly aggressive and authoritative parents would pity me for my " illness" .

I'm so tired of being in the midst of this forgetful genius that lives underneath my roof under immunity from my wrath because his mom thinks I should have empathy.

Is it just me that lives with one of these afflicted know it alls that can't remember shit you tell them but can recall what they want to ?

Of course I will look forward to your comments

Terrell, Welcome to the rest of your life ...

2009-08-22T13:24:00.005-04:00

Of course this weekend is closing down on my new family's summer vacation. I'm busy doing double duty as stepfather/newlywed husband and drill sergeant here at the crib.

From my last post you you will find that I have been forced to come up with new ways to get Terrell's full attention. I have made each day a day of edutainment in my home.
Of course I had him watched Baby Boy ... just so he knew his place ya dig and the consequences of what could be the outcome if he crossed me .
But the movie of the week , that's right I made him watch it three times was ....

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor, from now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and the last word out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir". Do you maggots understand that?
[recruits answers: Sir. Yes Sir!]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!
[recruits repeats with a louder tone]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

Of course Terrell's wishes he never left the green trees and gray skies of Seattle cause he was surrounded by his loving female family members that tit fed him praise for stuff he is supposed to do. I'm sure that he feels he has been dropped off at Parris Island .. truth is Parris Island would be like King's Island in comparison to what I have him going through ...in other words he isn't amused.

Here at Camp Fuck What You Are Going Through we don't reward behavior that is necessary ... but we damn sure do punish for behavior a 14 year old has no business considering displaying and he doesn't have a pot to piss in.
So far the kid has done over 350 push ups over the weekend . You would be happy to know he isn't talking back nor rolling his eyes anymore when I instruct him to carry out a task ... his arms and chest can't afford it!

Day 1

2009-05-18T15:31:00.003-04:00

if you don't know by now I'm on a two week tour of South Africa ... will be dropping VLogs as much as I can.... have a great day

The double wedding ...

2009-08-14T02:33:00.007-04:00

I'm writing this post because I've been forced to reconsider some things that are a part of how I was raised.
Have you ever felt like you have been made to share a residence with someone that you didn't necessarily want to be a roommate with but because of a mutual aquaintance or allie you find yourself in the same space ? I'm sure this is how my 14 year old stepson must feeling. His mom and I got married on July 4th and on July 22nd Terrel and I became the new odd couple.

For those that don't know or have been locked in jail for the last few months I got married ... and I inherited a stepson . Unfortunately for my new protege' he hasn't been under man rule nor supervision and his last 30 days have been like Paris Island I'm sure. Of course I'm the evil tyrant in his eyes now but I'm hoping that in the near future he will undrstand how much I love his mother and care about his well being for him to be welcome in my kingdom.

PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE HAVE BEEN OFFERING ADVICE.
There is a new breed of teenager out there. I'm not just saying this because sometimes I feel that I'm living with an alien.
Never in the history of mankind has there been such wanton disrespect for authority amongst the youth.
I believe the state has taken away the necessary fear that is needed to raise a child. Ya'll all remember when there was now such thing as child services ( just child servitude) ? Remember when the saying it take an entire village to raise just one child actually meant you could take one or two ass whuppins befre you even got home for just one indiscretion ? I'm sure Terrell is amused when I tell him of the days when teachers could rough you up, exxtention cord whuppins , and punishment that could last an entire summer vacation.
So now I have to be a new age step parent armed with only pychological warfare in my arsenal ... sigh!!!

I'm at wits end
So please forgive me ya'll if I'm slightly perplexed about who came up with the holidays. You know where the step parent doesn't have his or her own day to be celebrated.
Dead folks are remembered and great moments in history are commemorated yet there isn't a day set aside for the people that loved so much to bring in and raise up the reminder of the last person or people that your loved one dug .... hmmmm

I'm thinking there should be a holiday , holiweek , holimonth, f*ck it a holiyear for stepparents.

I'm not saying that just because I'm feeding clothing teaching and warring with another cat's seed I deserve a card but it would be nice if the drug stores had card that honored my efforts.. there's an idea for those assholes at Hallmark

I'ze Maried I say !!!

2009-07-18T03:41:00.003-04:00

I would like to take this time to introduce the WORLD to Mr and Mrs Cortney Maurice Gilmore ( yeah she took my Government name !!!)

2 months on non posting ...

2009-07-18T03:38:00.004-04:00

Please forgive me on my absence .. don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight , don't ya blame it on the good times .. blame it on facebook

DC... they sho do it big there....

2009-05-11T17:44:00.000-04:00

if having the first African American President wasn't enough to have that city bumping .... the weekend filled with Martin Lawrence's First Amendment Comedy Tapings , George Wilborn starring in a Mother's Day Play and Eddie Griffin doing his thing at Constitution Hall made Chocolate City bubble over believe dat !!!

As some of you already know I was honored with the opportunity to perform on The First Amendment and it was so off the chain I'm actually looking forward to seeing the season my damn self ... now I just got to work out that past due payment on the cable bill or find me a cable hook up dude and I'm in it to win feel me !

The shows were off the hook and the after party was even nicer if there is a way to out do the good time generated at the Lincoln Theatre ... BIG UPS TO U STREET !!!!

Wished you were there but if you weren't here are a few pix

Been Traveling ....

2009-04-22T16:45:00.000-04:00

here I am in Seattle Performing at the King Cat Theatre

Shameless Plug !!!

2009-03-27T17:18:00.007-04:00

The Cortney Gee Experience Limited Edition DVD is for sale .... why is it limited ? Because I'm only making about 300 more of these before I film my new stuff " Cortney Gee Live from the Underground with his Funny Friends "
Holla at me if you want one ...

FunnyBone .... hilarious Weds Night set

2009-03-27T13:55:00.003-04:00

if you didn't happen to be in Columbus on WEDS Night you missed it . Teddy Carpenter and I ripped the stage and if you were in Cleveland and you missed Thursday Night Live shame on you .., it was off the map ... next week we welcome Nema Williams ... see you there !!!

Funk Forever and for all ages...

2009-03-24T16:07:00.004-04:00

Funk transgresses barriers like age race color and creed. Don't believe me look at NBA LOGO and LEGEND Jerry West throwing up the P with Bootsy Collins . Everyone that knows me ... has the knowledge of me being a Funkster for Life. I get ready before each show blasting my iPod playing " I can make you dance " by Roger and Zapp.

Here are some clips that show no matter how old you get you can tell people to get the FUNK back and If you ain't Funkin with me get the Funk outta my face

George Clinton and Sly Stone

Sly and the New Family STone breaking it down

All Hail My Mighty New iMac

2009-03-20T19:43:00.002-04:00

Today was a good day ... I finally purchased a spiffy new iMac . You know the one that Apple has been bragging and boasting about . The all in one do it all workhorse that has made having a monitor and a desktop unit almost unnecesssary. Yep on my desktop is a 24 inch screen beauty of a personal computer. Today also marked an end of an era. My old G4 " The MotherShip" that I had suped up that it was almost still to be envied has finally been unplugged and I'm preparing to pay it forward to my sons . Of course I'm going to have to delete the entire hard drive ... I would hate the boys to come across some naughty file I had hidden from even myself ya dig ....